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November 15th, 2006
04:39 am - the final entry
The rainy season has started again
and every day I find myself soaked and reeling
from the sheer marvel that I survived this long
and the fist of discontent in my gut
but I can't pretend anymore that this counts as writing
any more than I can pretend that olympia life is even close
to the world I fought valiantly to create for myself
amidst the grey clouds and the forest
because if I learned one damn thing from metaphysics
it is to never give up your dignity in the face of evil
and if I learned two things it is to buck the fuck up
and be the full owner of every mistake and circumstance
And I will not sink back into the soft lounge of complacency
I will rip this whole place down and lay new foundation if need be
leave my fear amongst the artifacts of this journal and strut away
and not stop strutting until I've left this town behind.
(this is, indeed, the final entry. thank you, thank you, thank you, reader, for being you. be well and happy. most sincerely - nick)
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August 8th, 2006
07:54 pm - to myself
i keep telling you this in short e-mails from work
but this time i mean it -
keep your head up, boy
even if your job isn't what you want in the long run
even if you are dating a boy who can be so trying sometimes
and even if you are a trying boy to date sometimes too
keep you head up despite housemate difficulties
and bank difficulties
and wartime difficulties
because at least you are moving forward
becoming a different version of yourself, if not a better one
keep you head up
because it lets you keep your eyes forward
and your back strong
with fists at the ready
keep your head up so that laughter is easier
while the weight of the world pushes on your feet
and the weight of heaven on your head
at least you're not dead
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August 5th, 2006
July 29th, 2006
02:06 pm - I changed my mind
Madonna, you are a goddamned liar -
time zips the fuck by - and I can't remember
what day it is or when my rent is due
but it gets paid on time
and I guess this is the state of being grown up.
In the last two weeks,
it was forcibly reaffirmed that I don't like Seattle
or mysterious illness or loneliness
but I do like crazy new friends and hard liquor
and I love that gent, even if my heart
gets frighteningly soft when he's involved.
I read books about pop metaphysics and ate room service food
immersed myself in reproductive healthcare and seedy gay bars
explored public gardens and all the secret senses
I forget I posess when I'm in Olympia.
I am in desperate need of profound fufilment and security
because I keep finding myself wanting clothes and vacations
and at this point in my life I need to be smarter
about my damn motivations
to say nothing of avoiding overdraft charges.
Current Location: Cushing Street
Current Mood: caffienated
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July 16th, 2006
09:19 pm - Darksided: Haiku
it's about damn time
the sun came up over me
and I saw that bitch
I love the clinic
contraception is so fun
(yes, in every sense)
tomorrow I leave
for training in Seattle -
a paid vacation
Oh, I love that gent
and kissing his broad shoulders
while I fix his house
he grills me steak, pours
my afternoon glass of beer
and fucks me silly
yeah, things are all gold
but even better - they grow
and shine even more
Oh my gosh - I'm feeling pretty darksided today! Aren't you too?
Current Location: Cushing Street
Current Music: Supa Dupa Fly - Missy
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July 4th, 2006
01:59 pm - even if the gods are crazy - even if the stars are blind
so, I took this job to overcome my fear of medicine
because I was tired of cowering in the gent's shoulder
every time Janice Dickinson was shown getting botox
and worrying that my only option was faith healing
so now I regularly find myself counting syringes and IUDs
watching blood draws and oral swab HIV tests
and it gets easier every day
why didn't I try this sooner?
not to say I don't hyperventilate during TB tests
or cower in the gent's shoulder from time to time
but it's a different kind of cowering
and oh, the gent -
I cower because I am so in love with him
and completely at his mercy sometimes
find myself getting territorial and elated all at once
find myself sex-drunk in the mid-afternoon
driving in my dirty little car back to my house
and oh, my house -
I gasp everytime I walk in the front door
because it is cozy and beautiful
with a sweet dog in the big backyard
I hang wind chimes and a disco ball from the tall oak tree
and swoon lying in my sage-green bedroom
because I count my blessings and can't believe
fortune so good a thousand cookies
couldn't have predicted it
Current Location: the gent's house
Current Mood: the fourth of july
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June 22nd, 2006
June 20th, 2006
08:34 pm - oh my gosh
ok, take a deep breath
here's everything that happened
(sorry folks, this will take a while)
I graduated from college
wore the green miracle pimp suit and strutted across the stage triumphantly
was amazed by the immensity of the relief I felt wash over me
and the closure! worth every bullet I sweated
and dodged for the last four years.
The gent met my family
we both chainsmoked with terror beforehand
but he came away marveling at their brash elegance
and they left congratulating me on my catch.
Afterwards, he kissed me softly
squeezed my shoulders and said he loved me
and my crazy family, too -
and somehow, wonder of wonders,
my heart got even more soft and pulpy
with love than it was before.
My sisters partied in Olympia for the very first time
let every undesirable man at the party
feed them drinks and laugh at their California slang
I had an army of lesbians watching out for bad situations
and hugged each of them as we left for Jack in the Box.
I went to Seattle and drunkeness crept up on me
laid in the back of a truck with a dirty angel of a girl
then woke up in the gent's arms to housekeeping pounding
at the cheap hotel's door
but we had hot sex anyway
cleaning ladies be damned.
My job at Phonathon ended honorably
I put up an altar with the Black Virgin Mary and cried a little
but promptly proceeded to enjoy unemployment
immensely
by buying new clothes, decadent food,
and fabulous sex toys
and didn't think twice about sleeping till three
or having three mimosas in me by five
all this damn week.
I start at Planned Parenthood this coming Monday
and move into my new house this coming Thursday
and my life is ready to shift so crazily
so I've taken up Nichiren Buddhism again to keep the peace
and taken to the sybaritic life in equal measure to keep the edge
the boundaries of my life have never been so hazy
but pioneers are damn sexy people
and I am ready to hit the frontier.
Current Music: Basement Jaxx
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June 4th, 2006
03:20 pm - there's nobody to batter when your mind is your might
hallelujah came like a train
when all is lost
all is left to gain
Current Mood: seriously, it happened again?
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June 3rd, 2006
03:30 pm - the joy of writing down the bones
this is the sweetest thing -
when, for a moment, I know what I'm doing
and a few stones are set out for me to step on
just enough to go out with friends on a friday night
to drink and laugh in crowded places
and not once concern myself with a job hunt or graduation
smoke cigarettes with the gent while he works the door
dance with fierce girls in downtown bars
and, wonder of wonders, don't worry one bit
about a future now slightly less hazy.
Today, I ate healthy lunch alone in a cheap asian restaurant
with the Christian Science Monitor to keep me company
and last night's bar clothes on
and smiled the whole time - alarming the hip girls
who filled the corner booth
they stared at me as I left
I smiled at each of them in turn.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/goth_boy/happy.gif) satisfied
Current Music: Less than Jake (I'm suprised too)
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June 1st, 2006
02:04 pm
I decided to go for Planned Parenthood for numerous reasons. Many thanks go out to all those who gave me constructive feedback - it was an immense help! I now know where to go for advice...
Also, a note for all the Northern California souls: I'll be having a graduation party at my parent's farm on Friday, June 23. Save the date! Information about time will be available soon. Hooray!
All is so well, dear reader. Many thanks for faith and loyalty.
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May 30th, 2006
09:23 pm
OH JESUS
I am interrupting my usual self-indulgent narcissistic poetry fest because I desperately need advice.
I have been offered two jobs:
The Man: Membership Sales Representative for the Association of Washington Business (Selling memberships in a state chamber of commerce to business owners, being the only young queer Greener in an office full of old white Republican men, making good money plus comission on sales, nine to five every weekday in a tie, social stigma of being a square working for the man, long-term commitment)
The Woman: Patient Care Coordinator for Planned Parenthood (Clerical work and counseling at a busy clinic, working with fabulous young queers that I already know and like, potentially emotionally-draining but undoubtedly fufilling work, making decent money with fabulous benefits, working in my normal clothing, social benefit of being a hip young queer choice-advocate)
I need any form of perspective and guidance, dear reader. Desperately. Please, please, please - which do you see me doing well at? What problems do you see with me in these jobs? Which one, in your humble opinion, should I take?
Come on now, reader, it's commenting time.
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May 26th, 2006
07:39 pm - Six Things That Came Without Warning
The thing that I was not warned about
was that all of the social myths about graduating
were real
that it is really is a time of confusion
hard choices and exhilaration
just like some hip movie
without the hope of the credits rolling soon.
The thing that I was not warned about
was how harrowing it is to be in love
and that at some point it isn't quite so fun
to have your heart be a pulpy, vulnerable thing
that your ribs couldn't possibly protect.
The thing that I was not warned about
was that so often I would think
that I would trade away everything
just to fall asleep in his arms
and wake up to his body in his funny sleep positions
next to me
and still I'd feel completely accomplished.
The thing that I was not warned about
was that I eventually get used to living
stricken with terror
and that whiskey, coffee, and cigarettes
are a great means to sustain myself for a bit.
The thing that I was not warned about
was that I have an endless endurance
for running from God
and that while I get a little sore sometimes
that I have to keep sprinting
if I want to stay in this life of mine.
The thing that I was not warned about
was that I would be twenty-two and infinitely blessed
loving and being loved, accomplished in career
with an immensely bright future in front of me
but that I cannot think of the future
without my gut forming a fist
that I can barely breathe through.
Current Mood: no, really, I'm feeling great!
Current Music: Nothing Left to Lose - Mat Kearney
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May 20th, 2006
05:10 pm
Current Mood: bizarrely amused
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May 16th, 2006
10:55 pm - life in babylon
For whatever reason today I remember the weirdest people
all of these peripheral sebastopol adults I came of age in front of
and I remember why I must run from the service industry!
I cannot stand to work in public, and I know it's ridiculous
but I think I can pay the bills without wiping off tables.
Instead, I watch BBC World News with my hand over my mouth
and try to make buzz about a fabulous play
anxiously wait to hear back from The Man
and joyously apply at Planned Parenthood and a women's shelter
crossing my fingers that The Woman would better suit me
sleep late and install air conditioners out of love
have a tan and a smile on my face in the cool night
Olympia in the springtime is sultry and slightly manic
and sometimes I cannot possibly believe the apocalypse is imminent
but my step is very light and it's not just from walking so much
I remember the weirdest people and think good thoughts for them
shocked by the way that change is inevitable
Current Mood: in repose
Current Music: mochi snoring
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May 12th, 2006
11:44 pm - a lie from the pit of hell
oh my goodness - job hunting
I recently had a second interview with The Man
(Not to be confused with The Gent)
The Man pays well and I will be secure for a bit
so what if the business is fiscal conservatism?
To stave off being a cog in a right-wing machine, I keep at the hunt
throw my resume around like a fucking ticker tape parade
network my ass off and make cold calls daily
it pays off whilst pissing me off
every time.
Instead, I spend slightly too much money on clothing and champagne
I so thoroughly enjoy the sybaritic life these days
The Gent and I went to Seattle for the Goldfrapp concert last night
kissed and danced with whiskey in our hands
slept in late at the Twenties apartments that became a hotel
and you would not believe how good it all was, dear reader
and how much The Gent glowed in the dark city.
Back to jobs -damn it, I love Phonathon callers
and I will not discuss the structure of the organization
but with ten shifts left before my contract expires I think often
that it's been the callers that have kept me there three years
this is something I notice often: when I love something
my devotion to it is silly and fierce without wavering
and I find myself braver each time I trust that devotion
and thus I need to stop freaking out - Christian Science helps
but so does sex first thing in the morning, and sparking wine
and a million interviews and a play to publicize
big dark glasses to strut around in
and a big huge world out there to smash my face into
but at least
it's an imprint
Current Mood: intoxicated
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May 6th, 2006
03:17 am
I say it so often but it is always true
these are crazy times indeed
Job interviews all over the damn place,
suprising leads to lucrative careers in sales or real estate
and a gent with such a sexy bar face
and a riot of springtime outside
Today, I thought often about the hot shirt I just thrifted
and my myspace profile headline
the Goldfrapp show I just got tickets to
felt shallow and sidetracked in a fun way
wondered is this really adulthood?
and immediately stopped questioning it
because the sun shone high overhead
it always makes me young and silly
being all about the Lotte Berk Method
(no really, it's so great, try it)
wearing flowers on my lapel like a dandy
loving and being loved by the sacred universe
every damn minute
and I start hoping this really is adulthood
but if not I am glad to be wrong on my guess
Current Location: My apartment
Current Mood: i want some curry chicken
Current Music: Cat Power - The Greatest
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May 3rd, 2006
06:35 pm
Could someone buy The Joys of Much Too Much by Bonnie Fuller for me, please?
Current Music: Cat Power - The Greatest
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May 1st, 2006
07:23 pm
notes on beltane:
if you get a lump in your throat
depend on yourself to dislodge it
and never give your sweetheart
a living plant
(this comic explains why)
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April 27th, 2006
03:13 pm - Every day is Beltane
oh my goodness
these days are full of suprises
i am tired of confusing job leads
but not of the lovely springtime sun
(and oh! the gent
every little thing he does is magic
i would gild each street he walks on if i could
because he names every cloud in the sky for me
and every day is Beltane with him in my arms)
I read lots of good books and see few good movies
eat cheap appetizers at chic restaurants
contemplate what a life in this town would look like
but thank god the new party season is starting
and the engagements pile up faster than I can schedule them
I wear big sunglasses and smile for photo opportunities
drop in for visits at high-end downtown apartments
stay up all night laughing
and ever-so-marvelously often
wake up with a smile on my face
Wee tiny bits that couldn't be in poem form: I still sort of hope Mitt Romney runs for president, although I sincerely doubt I'll vote for him. Also, somebody please buy me Retox: Booze, Use, and Snooze Your Way to Personal Fufilment by Jennifer Traig. Because God knows Kabbalah, MasterCleanse, and tanning beds don't do it, but a double vodka cranberry always does! Also, if someone wants to give me a fur coat, now is the time.
Current Location: Work
Current Mood: fantastic
Current Music: 10,000 Hertz Legend - Air
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